I had done it, again. Procrastination is my familiar friend. Not a single bag was packed, and everything was still sitting in it’s designated place, as if nothing was changing. I have always been an avoider, unmoved by the looming presence of father time. I wasn’t even born on time. Days late and a 22-hour labor later, little baby Sunny finally decided to show her face. Reluctantly I am sure, but my mother kept pushing much like everyone else in my life to follow. But this time, the force pushing me out of my comfort zone was the universe. All signs lead to here. No turning back now, I thought to myself as I exhaled deeply and began to pack up my entire life in preparation to move to New York City.
Chicago had been good to me. 7 years worth of good. If the decision was left in my hands, I may have never left. But I could feel the walls starting to close in on me. New York held this promise of obscurity that I’ve spent my entire life chasing. There was so much to learn about myself in relation to the world outside of my dimly lit sitting room, watching reruns of the Kardashians while dreaming of riches and fandom. I fantasized about being unknown and adored much more than I did the previous. Somehow, New York City made that attainable.
Be careful what you wish for my friends. After landing in New York City, I became just that. Unknown. No one to anyone. It’s amazing how lonely one can feel in a city where you are mostly never alone. I traded in my familiarity on the Chicago scene to be a stranger. Basquiat once wrote in a notebook, “Leave a citizen, come back a drifter.” I read that on a trip to the Brooklyn Museum exactly a year before I arrived at my Brooklyn pad where I’d be staying with 5 other people. It was no coincidence. On the surface, it appeared as though I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my time there and what steps I’d need to take to accomplish these goals. Underneath all of that positivity was lots of denials, confusion, and uncertainty. After about a month, all of the rainbows and sparkles of new adventure faded away and I was left with my thoughts.
Who are you?
Tell me, I want to know.
I’m sure you do not want to wait,
So you choose to roam.
I spent the remainder of my 5 months falling in love, falling in and out of nightclubs, laying in bed with said love, depressed, angry, and confused. I nannied a little boy four days a week for five hours a day. There was plenty of time to get out and do something, but my seasonal depression kicked in and all optimism was out. The sun did not shine in my bedroom to make matters much worse, and whose idea was it for this girl with anxiety disorder to move to the most bustling city in America? (Courtney, I don’t blame you)*
While dealing with all the sadness that came with my newfound obscurity, I was able to look at what I did not want. I did not want to continually blame my unhappiness on my location, but I also did not want to commit to living in just one place. I have always possessed a deep wanderlust since I boarded my first flight alone at the age of five. I did not want my anxiety and depression to hinder me from accomplishing my goals. Instead, I sought to use my experiences as a way to aid others in living with their illnesses. I did not want to be sitting in a dark room a year later, watching the Kardashians, still wishing for the same things. NO. I was determined to change my mind and therefore change my life.
New York wasn’t all bad. In fact, I’d love to spend many more months there in the near future. Unfortunately, I don’t have many cool New York stories to tell. Except for how I’m most upset about the night that Rihanna was in my favorite NYC nightclub, and I left my i.d. at home and had to turn back. That moment will forever haunt me. It just wasn’t meant to be. I mean, I couldn’t meet my potential new best friend in the state that I was in. I needed to seriously hit the refresh button on my life. After starting a bullet journal (we’ll get to that later) and getting serious about my goals, I finally had a plan. I would see the world, gain and share experiences, and heal myself and others in the process. Here come the cliches. We’re all in this together. My humanity is tied to yours. I am because you are.
So that’s how we arrived here. Welcome to Sun Blvd. I hope that you learn from me as I learn from you on this neverending journey of enlightenment, truth, and love.
First Stop: Milwaukee, WI where I was born and raised. The place I said I’d never go back to. The place where I will confront my inner most demons. Here goes nothing.