2017 – Wrap This Sh*t Up


This time last year, I was in Brooklyn trying to grasp any moment of mental clarity the city would spare. New York was a strange moment in my recent journey of self-exploration. I hoped that I too was strange. That I could flow freely through the crowded streets, melting into the concrete. I hoped to lose myself in the night, to be born again in the morning. I hoped to do that over and over, until I met myself in the light saying, “now I get it.” I did a version of that on some nights. Other nights I lay still so overcome by the possibilities, that I chose nothing. Because sometimes nothing tasted sweeter.

My New York journey of self-exploration ended when I realized that I needed to grow through my discomfort. There were demons that I needed to face and battles that needed to be fought. I held so much contempt for the place that I am from (Milwaukee, WI), and I knew that I needed to start there. Everyone thought I was crazy for making this decision. I even thought so, too. However, I knew that I’d be better for it in the end. In Buddhism, we journey to find the root cause of our suffering so that we can truly be happy. It was my goal to heal my familial bonds and change that karma so that I could be lighter, wiser, and freer.

Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable. My brain tends to correlate comfort with complacency. I strive to be happy, but I’m fearful of being content. I spent the majority of the year outside my comfort zone, and it was interesting to see how that lit a fire under my ass. Growing through that period of the year birthed this blog, actually. Learning to live and not survive. Being happy where you are, as you are. Those are some key phrases that I will take with me into 2018 and beyond.

By September, I had lost everything I owned due to unforeseen circumstances. As a Taurus, I am a creature of comfort and I was so excited to come back to all of my favorite things that I left behind when I was in New York. It was a shock to my system having to accept that all of those things were no longer there waiting for me. Around the same time, I lost multiple friendships and familial relationships.

That amount of loss hit me with a wave of sadness that I struggled to come out of. If you look at my blog archive, you’ll see that I didn’t post anything in September. I was laying in bed, wallowing in misery, and thinking of ways to deliver myself from the rut I was in.  I needed to remember why I came back in the first place, and that purpose was not to be defeated. It was to win over myself.

My perspective began to change and I started to view my losses as gains. I didn’t really need all of those material things that I was so heartbroken over. I had plans to sell and donate much of it, so the universe did me a favor to teach me a lesson. I hold less of a connection to material possessions than ever before. Those relationships I lost made me take a step back and look at the reasons why they were lost. That reflection allowed me to address the concerns I had with myself and with others. I ended up regaining many of those relationships, but in a new way. My altered perspective also gave me the strength to leave the toxic ones in the past.

My family karma couldn’t be healed in just a few months, but I definitely healed the parts of myself that wouldn’t allow me to face the music. I’m not afraid to speak openly and honestly with my family. I used to be timid and hold everything inside for fear that no one was listening or that someone would take offense to my feelings. My thoughts and opinions do matter. That is very apparent to me now.

I chose the word growth for 2017. That is what I wanted out of the year. There was nothing else that I expected from 2017. I had no idea how much that would ring true. I feel like I finally broke free from my arrested development and began to blossom into the young woman that I always figured I didn’t have the potential to be. Here I am. Forever changed for the better.

Here’s  to 2018. Don’t dwell. Make it count. Breathe deeply. Laugh harder. Love smarter. Call your friends. Say happy birthday. Hug more. Travel the world. Do something. Do anything. Most importantly, go fucking crazy shorty.


Check out these links to my favorite posts of the year.

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